51 Awesome Jokes!

So I'm gonna post a bunch of stupid jokes, and you're gonna laugh! Ready....GO!

1.) What's brown and sticky?
a stick! [what else would it be?]

2.) Does Snoop Dogg ever use an umbrella?
For Drizzle! [get it? 'cause like drizzling rain...and he's all gangstery?]

3.) What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint! [duh?]

4.) What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno face! [Like all up in yo face? NOW do you get it? Jesus christ people!]

5.) How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buckineer [like a buck an ear!]

6.) Why couldn't the little pirate see the movie?
Because it had to much booty and was rated aaaaaar!

7.) How do you make a hankerchief dance?
You put a little boogie in it. [ew.]

8.) Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead! [sinister]

9.) Why did the 2nd monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the 1st monkey! [sick]

10.) Why did the 3rd monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.

11.) Did you hear about that guy who got the enter left side of his body cut off?!
Yeah, but he's all right now. [GET IT?! All RIGHT! BECAUSE HIS LEFT SIDE GOT CUT OFF!]

12.) Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies =D

13.) How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but, the light bulb has to want to change.

14.) What do you get when you combine an agnostic, a dyselxic, and an insomniac?
A guy who stays up all night wonder whether or not there is a dog... [do you know what all thsoe big word mean? Do you know what dog is backwards...? If not you won't get the joke]

15.) What kind of cheese just isn't yours?
Nacho cheese! [Not your cheese...]

16.) Why are math books so sad?
They've got a lot of problems!

17.) What's the difference between a teacher and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family [Think about how much teachers get paid...get it? get it?]

18.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
I think you would call that a stick.

19.) Billy, why did you eat your homework?
The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

20.) Why doesn't Elvis ever use his cell phone?
Because he's dead!

21.) So Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce and the judge says "So you're divorcing your wife because she's crazy..." and Mickey Mouse says "Um, no, I think what you heard me say is she's fuc*ing Goofy" [see, i starred one letter out, you have NO idea what that says now! But you get the joke right? Like Goofy the dog thing and Mickey mouse and crazy...heh heh heeeeh.]

22.) Why was the calendar depressed?
Because his days were numbered.

23.) I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger...
And then it hit me.

24.) How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poke her face.

25.) What is the difference between an elephant, and a plum?
Plums are purple...?

26.) What is a chicken's favorite composer?
Bach!

27.) What do you feed an invisible cat?
Evaporated milk.

28.) Today I was reading an article about drinking, and it scared the crap out of me! So from now on, this is it! No more reading!

28.) What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idear.

29.) What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh [ sorry, the joke doesn't work very well when typed]

30.) What did the 1st snowman say did the 2nd snowman?
sniffffff smells like carrots.

31.) What is the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie and one prowls on the hairy.

32.) How come seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they'd be bagels! [again, doesn't work in print]

33.) Why do cows where bells?
Because their horns don't work.

34.) What's the difference between camping and molestation?
Well...since ya don't know wanna, wanna go camping next weekend?

35.) How do you get an 80 year old woman to yell f*ck?
Get another 80 year old woman, right next to her to yell bingo.

36.) What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin that's rolling down a hill.

37.) What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin that pushed him.

38.) How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!

39.) Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

40.) Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's dead!

41.) Two peanuts were walking down the street...
One was assaulted! [like a salted.]

42.) What did Delaware?
I dunno Alaska! [like I'll ask her]

43.) What's worse than 10 dead babies in a trashcan?
1 dead baby in 10 trashcans.

44.) What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A ba-boon!

45.) Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw Mr.Green pee. [like green pea]

46.) What does Luke Skywalker drive?
A Toyota [toy yoda]

47.) What did the scary ghost want for Christmas?
A screamo CD.

48.) What do Michael Jackson and Playstation have in common?
They're both plastic and get turned on by little kids. [sorry! couldn't resist]

49.) What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
bingo!

50.) How do you cure bird flu?
Tweatment

51.) How do you cure swine flu?
Oinkment

Well there ya have it! 51 jokes! And not even 1 blond joke! You're welcome!

Love ya!

BYEEEEE!

Also, I was thinking I could maybe do one with blond jokes, racist jokes, ect, ect. That way I could offend everyone including me! Yaaaay!